


Relive Your Life (A Second Time)

by unnaming_me



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Buck Begins, Buck Centric, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mystery, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Season/Series 03, Worried Firefam, eventual buddie, i guess?, i think??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24942367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unnaming_me/pseuds/unnaming_me
Summary: Evan Buckley never talks about his life before the 118, and no one's ever asked. He was an open book and they assumed if he had something to tell, he'd tell it. But when Buck goes missing, the team realizes just how little they knew about him, and what they should have asked long ago.Who the hell is Evan Buckley?
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han, Past Evan Buckley/Original Character(s)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 208





	1. Here's what you missed on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is more like my hc of Buck for this story, like a prequel kinda. Or like a recap of the past seasons reworked to fit my hc. If you want actual story, skip to the next chapter.
> 
> Update: 7/12  
> minor edits

Evan Buckley wore his heart on his sleeve.

Anyone who knew him – hell, anyone who’d _met_ the man – could see it, plain as day.

He put his heart and soul into his work, the fire in his eyes burning brighter than those he fought. Ever eager to prove his worth, he took risks, made choices others called reckless, pushed himself to his limit and beyond. This job of his was more than just a job – it was a reminder that no matter how much shit life throws at you, someone will be there to help. _He_ will be there to help. This job was his one-finger salute to life, to circumstance, to being in the wrong place at the wrong time. For him, being a firefighter was his calling – his _raison d’être_ – and once he had a hold on it, he vowed to never let go. 

He stuck true to that promise when he joined the 118. His need to help others rivaled only that of his need for connection; if he chose to find it with a different person every night, well, that was between him and his bed. He had learned early on to take what he could get and if all he could get was a night of meaningless sex, it was at least better than the alternative. It made relationships easier, too; hook-ups were never meant to last, and this way he could at least prepare himself for when they left. It was always them who left first. He was used to being the one left behind.

He never hid his hook-ups from his team; showing off the notches on his belt was a surefire way to get people to look away. Only when it nearly cost him his job did Buck realize he had to weigh his life choices against his life’s purpose. So he reevaluated, remade _Evan Buckley_ so that his life never got in the way of his reason to be.

Abby helped with that. She was solid ground Buck could finally walk on, after years of treading water. She was a constant point in his life, granting him that inner need for connection without the pain that usually followed. And life was good. He had his job, his team ( _his family_ ), his Abby. The ash had settled, the fire burning through his life snuffed out.

And Abby left.

Buck thought this was what would break him, the pain too much to bear. Abby left, like everyone always did, and he was alone. It was only a matter of time before the 118 left him too. So he convinced himself she was coming back. He hadn’t been left behind; he was just waiting for her to come home.

So he waited. And in came Edmundo Diaz.

There was more to his initial hostility towards Eddie than the others knew; Eddie was a reminder of a past version of himself that he kept locked away. Even before the thought had fully formed in his mind, Buck chased it away, letting the feeling of jealousy overtake it. Because he was jealous. Jealous of how easily Eddie fit into the team. Jealous of how simple Eddie made it seem. Jealous because Eddie’s demons were known to the world, even in the abstract. No one knew Buck’s demons; no one knew he _had_ demons. He made sure of it.

So in came walking this physical representation of a Buck no one on the team knew existed, and Buck shifted into being an asshole, thinking if the new guy never got close, Buck would never have to face his demons.

And then he and Eddie were pulling a live grenade out of a guy’s leg, trusting each other with their lives, and a flicker of remembrance had flashed through Buck. He knew he couldn’t push Eddie away; the former army medic fit too seamlessly into their team. So Buck did the next best thing.

He kept Eddie close. After all, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

It wasn’t hard for the two to become friends; in fact, it was a bit too easy, the way Buck and Eddie fell into being partners. Eddie hadn’t questioned it, knowing what kind of person Buck was when they first met – a man who didn’t hide his emotions. Buck was genuine, open and honest, and when he dropped his hostility, Eddie couldn’t help but be drawn into the brightness that was Buck.

Buck knew better. Eddie had been drawn in, sure, but a part of Buck had pulled. A part of Buck had broken through the fog, drawn to the kinship Buck knew was in Eddie, and was desperately trying to make itself known. Buck was ready for that pull, saw it coming the moment Bobby introduced Eddie. So he dug his heels in and held his ground. He couldn’t walk away from it; he knew by now that was not an option, but at least he could hold it at bay, until it tired itself out and retreated back into the fog.

And then he got crushed by a ladder truck.

The team didn’t understand why Buck had tried so hard to get his job back – his _full_ job, being out on calls and helping people. They didn’t know why Buck would go so far as to push away _family_ for a job. They didn’t know what lurked behind Buck’s intense need to get back to work; Buck would never tell them, even if someone knew to ask.

And then he was back. He and the team became family again, and the buzzing in his head that had resurfaced while he was alone quieted down to a low hum, easy enough to ignore. Once again, Evan Buckley was remade, and even the return of Abby wasn’t enough to shake his control. The pain flared when he saw her at that wreck, but he had stopped fanning the flames long ago. He got closure, a rare occurrence in Buck’s life, and he moved on. That chapter of Evan Buckley was finally finished, and maybe now life could go back to some semblance of good.

So of course his demons came knocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to figure out if I can fit Leverage into this, as an in to Buck's unknown past.  
> Messing around with timelines to see what to change from canon.


	2. Where in the world is Evan Buckley?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is missing. 
> 
> Buck is missing and no one has any answers. 
> 
> Buck is missing and there's nothing Maddie can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 7/12  
> minor edits

**June 16, 2020: Tuesday  
** **Location: Howard “Chimney” Han’s Apartment**

Buck has been missing for five days.

It still doesn’t seem real to Maddie. Five days ago, she was having dinner with Buck and the rest of the 118, cracking jokes and just enjoying each other’s company.

Five days later, she’s sitting in Chimney’s apartment on his couch, feeling like there’s a fog in her head. Almost like she’s dreaming, like this nightmare of Buck _missing_ is just that, and all she has to do is _wake up_ and the nightmare will be over.

She blinks, and the nightmare continues.

“Maddie, I made breakfast,” Chimney quietly says, setting the plate down on the coffee table.

Maddie murmurs a soft “thank you”, but doesn’t move to eat. She’s staring at a small note in her hand, the only lead to her missing brother.

_Maddie, I’ll be back. Love you._

It’s the only thing that’s kept her from breaking down, her only shred of hope that Buck is alive and coming back.

Chimney sighs and takes a seat next to her. He knows he can’t push her to eat – he learned that after the first 24 hours. All he can do is sit with Maddie and be there to catch her when she breaks.

So he waits, and thinks back to when this nightmare started.

* * *

**June 11, 2020: Thursday  
** **Location: LAFD Station 118**

They had just gotten back from a call – some teenagers thought it’d be a fun idea to try out the baby swings, only to get stuck. It wasn’t even the first time a call like that happened, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. They could always count on teenagers to make bad decisions that turned into great stories for first responders to tell.

The team, sans Buck, is making their way upstairs to their already cooling lunch, hoping they’d get a few bites in before the next call came through.

“Look, I just don’t get it,” Hen is saying, shaking her head at Chimney. “Why would you _want_ to own a swan? Those things are vicious, they’re basically over-glorified geese.”

“That’s true, but you still _own a swan_. I mean come on, isn’t that cool?”

“You sure this is about owning a swan, or just you wanting to be the Queen of England?” Eddie quips, raising an eyebrow at Chimney.

Hen grimaces at the idea. “Oh no, I do not want to imagine Chim as a queen.”

“Hey, I would make a great queen, alright,” Chimney retorts. “I’d give everyone a swan.”

Eddie shakes his head at the inane conversation as he remarks, “Well, I’d rather have Queen Han over Captain Han any day.”

Everyone laughs at that; even Chimney concedes his stint as interim Captain was best left as a one-time only gig. As they all settle down to eat what they can before their next call, Chimney’s phone lights up, Maddie’s picture filling the screen. 

Quickly swallowing a large mouthful, Chimney answers. “Hey Maddie, what’s up?”

“Is Buck with you?”

Chimney frowns at the poorly concealed worry in her voice; there were only a few things that would rattle Maddie, her little brother being at the top of the list.

“No, it’s his day off. Is everything alright?” At Chimney’s words, the rest of the team looks at him quizzically. He shrugs at their unspoken question and they go back to eating, though now Chimney knows they’re listening.

“Yes,” Maddie huffs, but her voice lacks conviction. “No. I don’t know. I got this note from him and he’s not picking up his phone.”

“Wait, a note? What does it say?”

“‘I’ll be back, love you’? As far as I know, he wasn’t planning on going anywhere, and why would he leave a note instead of texting? I’m at his apartment now, but he’s not here.”

“Alright, don’t freak out, he probably just forgot to charge his phone,” Chimney offers, but hearing that makes him frown. Why would Buck leave a note instead of text? Or call? Or just talk to Maddie in person?

“I don’t know, I just- I have a bad feeling. If you see him, call me right away, okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” and before Chimney can say another word, Maddie hangs up. Chimney stares at his phone for a beat, unsure of what to do. 

“What’s up?” Bobby asks, his face stoic and revealing nothing.

“Maddie’s worried about Buck, she can’t reach him,” Chimney replies, and the frown is back on his face. A restless feeling settles in his stomach, and he shakes his head as if trying to convince himself he’s overreacting. “You know what, I’m gonna try calling him.”

Everyone watches him with confused apprehension, and the line rings. And rings. And a ring echoes in the station.

Chimney shoots a concerned look at Hen, and that restless feeling grows into an ache. In unison, they all rush towards the sound, lunch forgotten.

It’s coming from the lockers, and Eddie makes it there first. Hesitantly, he reaches for Buck’s locker, and a foreboding dread hangs in the air.

There, on Buck’s spare clothes, is his phone, Chimney’s name lighting up the screen.

Tension floats into the space as Chimney slowly hangs up, the final ring echoing through the station like a church bell.

Chimney speaks first, his voice surprisingly steady given the amount of unease that clings to him.

“Okay, now I’m starting to worry.”

“Let’s not jump to any conclusions.” Ever the captain, Bobby takes charge, clearly trying to assuage any fears that have no doubt begun to fill the team’s minds. “I’ll call Athena, see what she says about this.”

Bobby pulls out his phone, but before he can dial, Athena’s name flashes, the ringing filling the air in an otherwise eerily quiet station.

“’Thena, I was just about to call you.” Bobby puts the phone on speaker, and his eyes gravitate towards Buck’s phone.

“Any idea where Buck is?” Athena’s voice is sharp, carrying her authority through the phone. Chimney’s heard her cop voice before, and it does nothing to settle the increasing worry that’s been creeping up his spine.

“I was just about to ask you that. His phone’s here and Maddie says he’s not at his apartment.” Chimney hears the slight anxiety that bleeds into Bobby’s words, and he tries to steer his mind away from imagining the worst.

Athena lets out a resigned sigh, as if she knew she wouldn’t get the answer she had hoped for.

“That explains it. His car’s in the impound lot. Williams recognized it when it came in this morning and called me.” She pauses for a moment, as if debating whether or not to continue. “It was parked in a fire lane.”

Bobby stiffens at that, and the unease that had settled over Chimney – and no doubt, the rest of the team – becomes stifling.

“I think you should call Maddie,” Bobby says, before saying goodbye and hanging up. He’s schooled his face into a blank expression, but his eyes stay locked on Buck’s phone.

Chimney look at Hen and Eddie, seeing the same question in his head reflected on their faces.

_Where the hell is Evan Buckley?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have kind of an outline for this story, which is a first? And by outline, I mean I have a beginning and something of a middle, and no clue what the end's gonna be. 
> 
> I haven't written anything in a looong time, and man dialogue is kicking my ass OTL
> 
> Still trying to figure out if Leverage works with the plot I have going, or if I should make OCs. I'd use Hawaii Five-O, but I barely remember anything from the 2 seasons I watched lel
> 
> Also the Queen of England owns all the swans in England. Legally, they are hers.


	3. Let the memory live again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie and Chimney reminisce about Buck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 7/12  
> minor edits

**June 16, 2020: Tuesday  
** **Location: Howard “Chimney” Han’s Apartment**

Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to wait 24 hours before reporting someone is missing. It took all of three hours for Athena to be fairly certain Buck is missing. Even though he left a note, he didn’t have a pattern of disappearing without his phone and car. But, with few leads to go on, the investigation stalled. They even tried contacting Abby and Ali, both of whom hadn’t heard from Buck in a while. And Maddie made it clear their parents definitely wouldn’t be any help.

So three days later, Maddie and Chimney are in his apartment, with no idea what to do. Chimney had run out of things to say by the third day, so he just sits in silence with Maddie while she continues to stare at the note. It’s all she’s done these past three days – just staring at Buck’s words, running her fingers over his handwriting. Chimney’s done his best to comfort her, but what can you do when someone goes missing? He comes up blank every time – if the police haven’t found anything yet, what hope does he, a civilian, have?

“One time when we were kids, Evan tried to bake a cake.”

It took a moment for Chimney to realize Maddie had spoken, her voice so soft – _so broken_ – it barely broke through the sounds of traffic outside.

“It was my birthday,” Maddie continues, quickly wiping away tears she thought she had long cried out. “Our parents were out of town, and they’d given me a couple hundred bucks before they left. They didn’t even think about how shitty that was, basically paying me off for missing my birthday.”

Chimney moves to hold Maddie, but the tenseness in her shoulders makes him pause, holding just her hand instead.

“And Evan – God, he was always trying to help people, even back then – he tried everything to cheer me up. And on my birthday, I found him in the kitchen, covered head to toe in flour.”

Maddie lets out a weak smile, reminiscing about one of her best birthdays ever.

Buck had somehow only gotten flour on himself, even on his back, while the rest of the kitchen was relatively flour-less. And he just beamed at her, shouting “Happy birthday!” in his Buck way. Next to him was a lopsided cake, covered in patches of chocolate and vanilla frosting, a single candle lit on top. Maddie hadn’t even known how Buck got ingredients for a cake; she found out later Buck had enlisted the help of their elderly neighbors, who were all too happy to help Buck plan his surprise.

“I can see that,” Chimney chuckles, already imagining a young little Buck concentrating hard as he makes a cake, his little tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.

“It was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.” Maddie’s smile grows a little bit brighter as she squeezes Chimney’s hand.

A thoughtful look crosses Chimney’s face, and a question pops into his head.

“But how was the cake?”

“Oh, it was the worst cake I’ve ever had,” Maddie says with a wry smile, thinking back to that first bite and how she had struggled not to spit it out. “He mixed up the salt and sugar, and there were definitely egg shells in it.”

They both let out a small laugh tinged with fondness for the youngest Buckley. Chimney is brought back to the early days when Buck first joined the team.

“When he first started at the 118, he kept calling Bobby ‘sir’ and saluting.”

“No way, are you serious?” Maddie says, finally turning to meet Chimney’s eyes. Maddie holds his gaze for a moment, conveying those three words she still couldn’t say out loud.

“Yeah, he pissed Bobby off not even halfway into his first shift,” Chimney laughs, remembering back to that encounter. Bobby nearly yelled at Buck after the 50th “yes sir”, with Hen and Chimney looking on in amusement. Every order Bobby had given him got a cheeky salute and a “yes sir” thrown back, to the point where those words just blended together.

“So Bobby’s basically begging him to stop, saying ‘we’re firefighters, not soldiers’, Buck doesn’t need to confirm every single order and definitely doesn’t need to salute and please if he could just _stop talking for ten minutes.”_

“Oh God, so what did Buck do?” Maddie asks, 20 different scenarios run through her head.

Chimney shakes his head as he tries to hold back his laughter.

“He spun into a perfect parade stance, saluted Bobby, and said, ‘Aye aye, Captain!’ and _winked.”_

Remembering the look on Bobby’s face is all it takes for laughter to bubble out of Chimney, Maddie following seconds later.

When their laughter subsides, it doesn’t take long for the room to become somber once more, and tension settles back over the couple.

“He needs to be okay,” Maddie whispers, gripping the note in her hand as if it’s her lifeline, the only thing keeping her afloat. “Chim, I don’t– I can’t lose him. I can’t. Not again.”

“Hey, hey, don’t go there.” Chimney moves without thinking, pulling Maddie into a hug. Her entire body relaxes with his touch, finding comfort in the safety of his arms. “Buck is strong, he’s a fighter. And if I know anything about that kid, he’s stubborn as hell. Wherever he is, what- whatever he’s gotten himself into, I know he’s gonna raise hell to come back to you. To all of us.”

Everything Chimney said is true, but Maddie can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to her brother than she knew. The Buck she knew wouldn’t just disappear without even so much as a goodbye – and she refuses to see the note as a goodbye. It wasn’t a goodbye; it said he was coming back. She believes he’s coming back. She has to.

A buzzing shocks both of them out of their thoughts, Maddie’s phone vibrating on the coffee table. She scrambles to get it, barely registering it’s Athena calling before she picks up.

“Did you find him?”

“Not yet.” It wasn’t good news, but it wasn’t bad news, either. As long as there’s no proof Buck is _gone_ , Maddie can hold onto hope that they’ll find him.

“I’m going to need you and Chim to come down to the precinct,” Athena continues, her cop voice taking on a softer tone. “Detective Marks has some questions.” 

“Yes, of course, I’ll be right there.” Maddie is nearly out the door before she realizes she’s still in her pajamas, and for a moment she wonders what to wear. What do you wear to a police station when your brother goes missing? No one ever told her this was a scenario she should have planned for; no one ever talks about the mundane things you still have to do when tragedy strikes. They never prepare you for this, for when it feels like the world should be stopped, only for it to keep passing you by while you’re frozen in time.

Chimney’s hand is a grounding presence on her shoulder as he gently guides her to the bedroom.

“You get changed, and I’ll get the car, okay? Just focus on getting changed.”

The weak smile Maddie gives him doesn’t quite reach her eyes, but she nods anyway, grateful for the small direction.

 _Just focused on getting changed._ She can do that, focus on one thing at a time. She has to, because otherwise she’ll get dragged down by the thoughts and emotions that are wreaking havoc in her mind. Otherwise, she’ll break, and she knows she won’t survive that.

 _Just one foot in front of the other. There you go, that’s it. You’re doing great._ Maddie walks, resolutely ignoring how the voice in her head sounds like Buck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna fit in a scene with Buck and what he's up to, but I think I need a little bit more of firefam before I can get a smooth enough transition. So probably one or two more chapters until Buck shows up?


	4. Secrets, secrets are no fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team go to the precinct, but end up with more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 7/12  
> moderate edits

**June 16, 2020: Tuesday  
** **Location: LAPD Precinct**

Athena Grant is having a long day, and she hasn’t even made it past breakfast. You’d think all her attention would be on finding their missing firefighter, but with barely any leads to go on, there’s not much else she can do except her job.

Which would be easier if today hadn’t been the day the universe decided to give everyone’s brain cells a vacation.

She’s already had 4 improperly filled reports to correct, a backlog of equipment inspections, a holding cell full of last night’s drunk and disorderly – who have now begun to rouse and turn into hungover and disorderly – and to top it all off, a rookie that would not. Stop. Asking. Questions.

Her patience is running thin, to put it lightly.

Even her uniformed officers who have been under her command for years had been giving her a wide berth this morning, something the rookie has failed to notice.

If today had been any other day, she’d already be on her patrol – _alone_ , thank you very much – and the rookie would be someone else’s problem.

But today is not like any other day, so Athena is stuck at the precinct with a rookie who seems to think because she’s a superior officer, any and all questions that pop into his head should be directed at her.

Clearly, the rookie needs more training in threat assessment.

“Sergeant Grant,” a voice calls out, and Athena lets out a sigh of relief, only for that relief to be dashed away at the sight of Detective Marks, a file in his hand and an expressionless face. “Your people are here. Conference room C.”

Athena nods, bracing herself for what will inevitably be a difficult conversation.

“Williams, you’re with the rookie. Keep him out of trouble.” Officer Williams grimaces ever so slightly, having been on the receiving end of the rookie’s questions the day before.

Making her way to the conference room with Detective Marks, Athena makes it to the door at the same time as Maddie and Chimney, nervousness apparent on the couple’s faces. Athena motions for them to enter and inside sit Bobby, Hen, and Eddie, all sharing the same tense expression. Hen looks up as they enter and her face softens at the sight of Maddie and Chimney.

“Detective Marks has some questions for you all,” Athena begins, waving a hand over to Marks, who’s setting down the file on the table and briefly glancing at everyone gathered.

“Didn’t you already ask us questions?” Eddie snaps, trying to school his face into something other than frustration. “You’ve been asking questions for _five days_ and you still haven’t found him. Maybe if you were out there _looking_ instead of asking questions, you’d–”

“Diaz!” Bobby’s voice booms, effectively putting an end to Eddie’s tirade. “That’s enough. We all want to find Buck – if you want to pick a fight, you know where to go.” Bobby’s choice of words isn’t lost on any of them; Eddie’s street fighting phase is still a sore spot, but Bobby is too stressed to care. The man the team looked up to as Captain is struggling to keep himself together.

The two men stare at each other, and for a moment, the air is electric, frustration and fear threatening to boil over.

And the moment fizzles out. Eddie slumps in his chair, and his weariness blankets him. The rest of the team is unshaken by this display – they’ve all been on edge since Buck went missing. Maddie’s lost count of how many times she’s yelled at Chimney for no reason. Athena and Bobby have been walking on eggshells around each other and their friends. Hen and Karen are doing better than the others, but only because their new foster child is taking up all of their attention. And Eddie, well. He’s tried to keep Christopher out of it as much as he can, but there’s only so many times he can evade his son’s questions. There’s only so many times he can plaster on a fake smile and tell his son everything will be okay.

“Please, continue.” Bobby nods at Detective Marks, who seems unsurprised by Eddie’s outburst. Fear often overtakes rationale in these situations – Athena has been on the receiving end of many families’ displaced anger.

“What do you all know about Mr. Buckley,” Marks starts, making eye contact with everyone at the table, save Athena, “before he joined the LAFD?”

They all look at each other, unsure of what to make of this question. They had already answered similar questions when this began, and had told Marks all they knew. Which, in hindsight, wasn’t all that much.

Sensing their confusion, Marks continues, “By that, I mean did you ever meet his friends from before he joined the LAFD? Do you know why he moved to LA? What the fire academy was like for him? What college was like?”

The silence that follows is answer enough; even Maddie is quiet, though everyone knows her lack of knowledge is a result of unfortunate circumstances.

Hen is the first to speak up. “Buck, he– he never talked about his life before. When we asked, he always said his life was ‘uneventful’ before he joined. He didn’t have any close friends around – the way he talked, it sounded like they were all back in Hershey. And we’ve all been through the fire academy, it’s not like there’s much to talk about once you’re out.”

“I mean, he’s told us stories from when he was a kid,” Chimney adds. “I don’t see how that’s going to help find him.”

Marks shoots a quick glance at Athena which goes unnoticed by everyone except Bobby and Eddie.

“More recent than that. Say, from 2013-2018. Do you know what he was doing then?”

The specific timeframe brings more confusion, and with that, more questions.

“Why then?” Eddie questions, barely masking his irritation. “What’s so important about that time? What aren’t you telling us?”

“Eddie, let’s just answer his questions,” Chimney says in an attempt to diffuse a situation before it starts, even though they all know their answers will be the same.

“No, I want to know – what aren’t you telling us? What do you know?” Eddie demands, and even Bobby seems to share his sentiment. Marks has information, information he’s not sharing.

Marks sighs and looks to Athena, who gives him a tired nod. “They were going to find out eventually.”

Resigned, Marks flips open the file.

“Evan Buckley graduated from the University of Maryland in 2013, and joined the LAFD in 2018. And that’s it.”

Chimney asks the question that’s on everyone’s mind. “What do you mean, ‘that’s it’?”

“That’s all we know. From 2013-2018, there is no record of Evan Buckley. No credit cards, no ID, no activity of any kind. Nothing, until 6 months before he joined the LAFD, when he entered the fire academy.”

“What does that mean?” Eddie asks, and this time there’s no heat to his voice; he just sounds… defeated, realizing there’s so much about his best friend he doesn’t know. So much he never thought to ask.

“For five years, Evan Buckley didn’t exist.”

“That’s– that’s not possible,” Chimney sputters. “A person can’t just disappear for five years – and the LAFD, they do background checks, they would’ve done one.” Chimney looks around at the rest of the team, who all seem to be equally skeptical at the idea Marks has presented.

“About that,” Athena interjects. “It seems his check was handled by someone outside of the department.”

“Outside the department? Who would have the authority to do that?” Hen asks.

Athena and Marks share the same disconcerted expression, and uneasiness joins the room.

Marks responds, “We don’t know. Whoever it was covered their tracks well, or had connections.”

Marks casts a piercing look at everyone. “Because we don’t know, what’s talked about today does not leave this room, understood?”

They all give Marks a stiff nod. Except Bobby, who looks lost in thought.

“Bobby?” Athena says gently, placing her hand lightly on his shoulder.

“Sorry, sorry. I just– ” Bobby starts, trying to gather his thoughts.

“Buck he– he told me he tried out for the Navy SEALs, before he joined us. It didn’t stick.”

Marks and Athena both straighten at that new information.

“Okay, that’s something,” Marks says. “Whoever cleared Mr. Buckley has some kind of pull with the SEALs, otherwise there would be some record of that. That’s a lea– ” Marks cuts himself off, realizing what this means.

Eddie is the one who voices what Marks just realized. “They have a military connection. _Buck_ has a military connection.” He sounds distant, like he’s not able to process what he just said.

“Wait, wait. You’re saying Buck – _our Buck_ – has some kind of secret military past?” Chimney says incredulously, and he can’t believe the words that just came out of his mouth.

“It seems that way,” Athena responds, her face giving nothing away as to what she thinks of this development.

“So what’s next?” Maddie speaks for the first time, her voice dull and empty.

Marks replies wearily, “I can put in a request, but if the military – or someone associated with them – has some kind of involvement, it’s likely they’ll want to take over the investigation. Or put a stop to it.”

Maddie’s eyes harden at the idea of her brother’s case going where she can’t reach, and is about to protest when Marks raises a hand.

“Of course, if I had friends in the military and called them up for a casual chat, well, that would be my business only.” He stares pointedly at Eddie, who nods without hesitation.

Maddie shoots Eddie a grateful look, while Chimney and Hen seem to be having a conversation with their eyes. Bobby looks dazed, while Athena maintains her stony expression.

“But I don’t,” Marks continues. “So I’m sorry. We still have no leads.”

Eddie feels the pressure of everyone’s eyes on him and he holds back what he wants to say.

_But we will._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how I want to transition into Buck's backstory, so next chapter's probably going to be Eddie contacting his army buddies, and then chapter after that will be Buck? 
> 
> I have no schedule right now for updates, they just happen when inspiration strikes (which is usually at 3AM RIP my sleep cycle)


	5. One step forward, two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie makes a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: 7/12  
> Minor edits

**June 16, 2020: Tuesday  
** **Location: Edmundo “Eddie” Diaz’s House**

Eddie doesn’t remember the drive home. One moment, he’s saying goodbye to Maddie and Chimney, and the next he’s pulling up in his driveway. His mind races, trying to reconcile his image of Buck with this new information. But the idea of _Buck_ and _military_ won’t connect, like two magnets being forced together, only to be shunted apart. The Buck he knows isn’t capable of war – doing the things Eddie’s seen, things Eddie’s _done_. The Buck he knows would rather give his own life than take someone else’s.

And yet, Eddie can’t help but imagine –

_Meeting Buck at basic, the same antagonistic meeting turned into friendship._

_Buck offering his secret stash of snacks to a cadet who won’t last another week._

_Buck dressed in military fatigues, a haunted look in his eyes._

_Buck running into enemy gunfire to save a small child, no regard for his own life._

_Eddie dragging Buck out of their downed transport, blood drenching his uniform, his eyes staring at nothing, his body lifeless and–_

Eddie’s hands slam on his kitchen counter, and only now is he realizing he’s walked inside his house, keys clenched tightly. He draws in a ragged breath, and his heart beats erratically, preparing for a threat that doesn’t exist.

Slowly, he releases his grip on his keys and lets them fall with a clatter on the counter, his palm red and pulsing.

He takes in a deep breath, feeling the air flow down into his lungs and expand his chest, and slowly breathes out.

_In. Out. In. Out._

His heart quiets, and tension that had gripped his shoulders releases.

Running a hand across his face, Eddie begins going through the motions of making a lunch he probably won’t end up eating.

As he waits for water to boil, he scrolls through his contacts in search of the one person he knows has connections.

_I need a favor,_ he sends off, and goes back to staring blankly at the stove, looking but not seeing.

His phone rings after 3 minutes.

He quickly flips off the stove and, taking a deep breath, answers.

“Hey Mal.”

Staff Sergeant Malik was one of his closest friends back in the army; Eddie was fresh out of basic, and Malik was the first to show him the ropes. Malik had this _charm_ about him – he made friends easy, and even those that were skeptical of his intentions were won over. He managed to make friends throughout the ranks, from cadets to superior officers. No one was immune to his charm.

“I know that voice, Diaz.” A smooth, deep voice floats through, a tinge of Brooklyn wrapping around each syllable. In different circumstances, Eddie would have relaxed in the safety of that familiar voice. But circumstance has never seemed to favor Eddie. “Talk to me.”

Eddie lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and recounts the past five days to Malik, including the new revelation about Buck.

“Shit, Eddie. That’s… wow. What do you need from me?” Malik becomes all business, and Eddie is grateful for his instinct. Eddie doesn’t need comfort or false platitudes; he needs action and results.

“You still got contacts with SEALs?”

“I mean, I need to pull some strings, but yeah, probably. It’s gonna burn a lot of bridges, though.”

“Please.” Eddie doesn’t bother to hide the tremble in his voice – Malik has seen him at his worst, helped Eddie put himself back together.

“I gotchu, brother. ‘Sides, I owe you for dragging my husband’s sorry ass back to me in one piece.”

Eddie remembers that day with a mixture of fondness and embarrassment – his convoy had just barely made it back to base, and Eddie was solely focused on keeping the soldier beneath his hands from bleeding out. A few days later, he went ‘round to the med tent to check on him, only to find Malik already there, giving him a proper dressing down for reckless behavior and plain stupidity. Eddie was amused, glad he wasn’t the one on the receiving end of that reprimand, but his amusement quickly became died when the two men shared a soft look. Eddie recognized that look, having seen it in other soldiers when they talk about their loved ones who were waiting back home.

Eddie had spun out of that tent with a speed he didn’t know he possessed, feeling bad he had intruded on their private moment. He had many questions for Malik, but those were best asked when Malik least expected. 

“He would’ve done the same for me.”

“Yeah, and don’t you forget it,” Malik laughs, and Eddie swears he can hear his wink. His laughter cuts out quick, and Malik’s voice becomes serious once again.

“Diaz, I gotta check – you sure you wanna pull on this thread? I can’t guarantee anything, and you know SEALs – they keep things close to the vest and don’t take kindly to outsiders. If your boy really is one of ‘em, there’s a reason he’s been wiped.”

“I’m sure, Mal. I need to find him.”

“Alright, brother. I’ll do what I can.” Eddie lets his phone drop with a dull thud onto the counter and hazards a weary glance at the stove, the thought of lunch making his stomach recoil. Instead, he heads towards his bedroom, the weight of the past five days dragging behind him. He collapses face first onto his bed, sleep pulling him into her embrace.

* * *

**June 18, 2020: Thursday  
** **Location: LAFD Station 118**

It’s been two days since Eddie’s talk with Malik. A week since Buck went missing. Eddie is at the station, finishing his shift; if anyone asked him about today’s calls, he wouldn’t be able to give them an answer – the calls had blurred together, and it took all of Eddie’s concentration to stay in the present moment, instead of letting his mind wander to thoughts of Buck.

He’s changing at his locker in silence with Chimney next to him when his phone buzzes.

**1 new message from Mal**

_I don’t know what your boy’s got himself into, but I got something_

_Admiral Reyes_

_Don’t piss her off_

_For both our sakes_

Eddie stares at those ten digits, fear and hope welling up inside of him. On the other side of these numbers is someone who might know something about Buck. Someone who might be able to find him.

Eddie dials, and waits impatiently as the line rings. And rings. And rings.

“This is Reyes.” A sharp female voice cuts through, and Eddie instinctively straightens at the sound of a superior officer. Chimney stops what he’s doing, noticing the change in Eddie’s body language.

“Admiral Reyes, this is Eddie Diaz, I’m– ”

“I know who you are.” Reyes cuts him off, and Eddie stands at attention, the familiar tone of a superior officer bringing him back to the army. “This is how it’s going to go, Diaz. I ask you questions, you answer truthfully. If I like your answers, you get to ask your own questions. What we discuss does not go beyond your team. Understood?”

Eddie gulps, feeling her intense presence even through the phone. “Yes ma’am.”

“Good. Now, who are you to Evan?”

Eddie furrows his brow at her use of Buck’s first name – the only one he’s known to use it is Maddie, and even she usually calls him Buck.

“I’m his– ” Eddie pauses, unsure of what to call his relationship with Buck. They’re partners, but they’re also friends. Which is the right answer? If he chooses wrong, will this end any chance of Reyes helping?

“I’m his partner. Uh, LAFD. We work together.”

“You’re bothering _me_ for a coworker?” Eddie thinks he imagines it, the amusement laced in her voice.

“No, he’s not just– he’s my best friend. He’s– he’s family.” Eddie tries to rein in his frustration, but his control has been unreliable lately. It takes everything out of him to keep it together around Christopher.

“Family, huh?” Eddie can’t tell if that’s judgement in her voice or just her evaluating his claim on Buck. He stands by what he said – Buck is family. The entire 118 is family.

“Alright, why are you asking about him?”

“He’s missing. A week. He’s been missing a week.”

“Is that so?” Her nonchalant tone is grating on Eddie’s patience, and his grip on his phone tightens.

“Yes, it is. We don’t have any idea what happened, so please, if you know anything –”

“Did he leave a note?” The question takes Eddie by surprise; faintly, in the back of his mind, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Buck whispers, _how does she know?_

“Yeah, to his sister. It said uh–” Eddie looks frantically at Chimney, who’s been listening in and already has his phone up, those five words typed out, taunting him.

“’I’ll be back, love you’.”

“There’s your answer. He’ll be back.”

“What? No, that’s not an answer. I don’t know where he is if– if he needs help or if he’s hurt and waiting for us to find him, he’s _my_ partner, I’m supposed to have his back–”

“Diaz! Calm down!” Eddie’s downward spiral abruptly ends at the Admiral’s pressure echoing through the phone. “Evan’s good at his job, no matter what it is. I know that firsthand. So have faith in him.”

Hearing her confirm Buck’s connection with the military makes Eddie’s chest tighten, like his heart is breaking from the knowledge that Buck hid this from him. That Buck didn’t trust him enough to tell him. To tell any of them.

“And a word of advice, Diaz? Stop digging into his past.”

“Wait, what? Are you telling me to stop looking for him, to give up?” Eddie’s blood boils at the idea of leaving a man behind – he didn’t give up on Greggs, and he’s damn sure he’ll never give up on Buck.

“No, I’m telling you to wait. Wait for him to come back and tell you his story himself. He deserves that much.”

“And how do you know he’ll tell me anything? He hasn’t so far.” Eddie tries not to let his hurt and resentment seep out; Buck didn’t owe Eddie his life story. Eddie just thought he and Buck were more than just friends – he let Buck into his life, into _Christopher’s_ life, and he thought maybe… Buck would let him in, too.

“He said he’s coming back,” Reyes replies, like that is the only answer she needs. “Him leaving like that, he’d have known you all would have questions. And he wouldn’t have left if he wasn’t ready to answer them.”

“So what am I supposed to do, just sit around and wait?” Eddie is buzzing, filled with a swirl of too many emotions, each fighting to get his attention.

“Do your job. Fight fires, save lives. Make sure he still has a home to come back to.”

“And when is that, exactly? A week, a month, a– a year?”

Reyes sighs, and a flash of fear runs through Eddie. Does Reyes not know? Will they have to keep waiting, never knowing when Buck will walk through the door again?

“You said he’s been gone a week?”

“Yeah, since Thursday night. Maybe Friday morning.”

Reyes hums, and Eddie hears the sounds of paper rustling. “He’ll be back in four days. Maybe five, give or take.”

“How do you know?”

“I can’t answer that. When Buck comes back, he’ll tell you.” Reyes hangs up, leaving Eddie stunned; he doesn’t even notice Reyes had said Buck, not Evan.

Eddie stares blankly at his phone, his brain feeling scrambled, like someone took all he knew about Buck and tossed it in a shredder. Chimney’s looking at him worried, but all Eddie can think is

_Who the hell is Evan Buckley?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buck's backstory is next! It might take a bit longer to get out, I got a decent amount of stuff and I don't want to split it between chapters. 
> 
> I don't plan to have Reyes related to Carlos, I just like the name lol  
> BUT if I think of a good enough connection that makes sense, maybe lonestar will have a cameo? No promises. 
> 
> I know nothing about the military and how it operates. I know even less about taxes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is not the chapter I wanted to post 'cause it's taking longer to get my thoughts in order. Made some changes to what I had in mind, so I'm going to be making edits to the previous chapters because of that, and I'll add notes if the edits are major enough to change some story beats/characters.   
> When I add those edits, I'll also add Buck's backstory chapter all at once.   
> Here's like a mini interlude?

Evan Buckley loved to make people laugh. Laughter was, in his opinion, the best sound in the world. Evan loved all kinds of laughter – from stifled giggles to loud, uncontrollable laughter.

His big sister had the best laugh.

Making Maddie laugh was his favorite game; he played it ever since he learned what laughter was. Her laugh was the full body kind – head thrown back, shoulders shaking, trying and failing to stifle the sound. Whenever he made her laugh that full body laugh, Evan knew they would be okay.

He tried playing the game with his mom, and she played along. At first.

But as Evan grew older – as _Evan_ became _Buck_ – she played along less and less, her laughter growing dimmer and weaker. So, after a while, he stopped.

His dad never played the game. He’d heard his dad laugh before, when they had guests over. But his dad’s laugh wasn’t _good_ like other laughs – it always sounded exactly the same. It was flat, and it never got quite loud enough to really be _laughter_. It was like his dad had started to learn how to laugh and just… never finished.

It didn’t worry him too much – his dad, even with his strange laugh, still fulfilled his role as dad. Well. Most of it.

Buck was lucky to have Maddie. What their parents didn’t provide them with, they provided for each other. Buck loved Maddie, and Maddie loved Buck.

And Maddie met Doug.

The first time Buck heard Doug laugh, it made him want to run, run as fast and as far away as he could. It wasn’t like his dad’s almost-laughter. It was hollow, empty. _Void_. It wasn’t joy, elation, happiness and all the other wonderful feelings that made laughter what it is. It was just… a lack _of_. Buck was afraid.

Then Maddie married Doug. And she left.

The last time Buck heard her laugh, he begged her not to leave. She didn’t understand, couldn’t hear the graveyard in Doug’s laugh. Couldn’t hear how her own laugh had begun to change, begun to hollow itself out to make room for… nothing.

So Maddie left and Buck was alone with no laughter to hear.

As time went on, Buck grew older and met new people, heard new laughter. And slowly, he stopped listening too closely when people laughed.

Because he learned if you listen too closely, you’ll eventually hear their laughter begin to hollow itself out. 


	7. Buck Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has finished SEALs training, but instead of getting his Trident, he gets a different offer.

When Buck told Bobby about his foray into the Navy SEALs, he didn’t lie about trying out. He just lied about when. And when he said he couldn’t turn off his emotions and become a machine, he wasn’t lying. Not completely. The Buck that Bobby knew then couldn’t cut out everything that made him human. But hidden in the air between them was a missing word, a word Buck would rather hold close to his chest, lock it up inside of him and destroy the key, melt it down with all the other keys of secrets he would never let see the light of day.

Buck hadn’t lied. He just didn’t finish what his mouth had started to say.

“I cannot do that. I don’t want to do that.”

_Again._

* * *

**October, 2014  
** **Location: Coronado, California; Naval Special Warfare Center**

Buck is supposed to be getting his Trident. He made it through BUD/S, though Hell week, graduated from SQT, gave his blood, sweat, and tears to get to this point. Today is the day he’s supposed to get his SEAL Trident, for his year of effort to finally be rewarded. 

Instead, he’s sitting in a windowless room, waiting. For what, he doesn’t know. 

Buck tries to think of what could warrant his current situation, but the only thing he can think of is Maddie. But if something had happened to her, they wouldn’t stick him in a room, leave him to wonder. Would they?

He glances at his watch – only fifteen minutes have passed, but it feels like it’s been hours of sitting in this uncomfortable metal chair. He shifts, trying to find a comfortable position, and leans back, folding his arms. If he’s stuck here waiting, he might as well catch up on sleep. So he closes his eyes, having already mastered the skill of falling asleep anywhere.

It’s at that moment the door bangs open, startling Buck. It’s only thanks to his new reflexes kicking in that stop him from visibly jumping. He opens his eyes to see a tan-skinned woman, her black hair tied up in a sleek bun. An Admiral, from the looks of her stars and stripes.

In the presence of a superior officer, Buck straightens in his chair, though his back protests at the sudden change in position. He recognizes her immediately, though purely from her reputation – Admiral Reyes was the first African-American woman to become a four-star Admiral in the U.S. Navy, and her accomplishments before that were just as impressive. 

Buck nods in greeting, though his uneasiness grows with her arrival. He knows he hasn’t done anything to warrant a visit from an Admiral, so he can only assume the worst.

Admiral Reyes takes a seat, dropping a thin file on the table. She doesn’t look like she’s about to give Buck bad news, but then again, superior officers are notoriously hard to read.

“Mr. Buckley,” she begins, lazily opening her file. “You have made quite the impression. You excelled at BUD/S and broke multiple records in the process. And according to your SO, you’re an extremely quick study; one of the best he’s seen.”

Buck is confused. Very confused. He’s not one to refuse compliments, but there’s no reason to bring him in here just for commendations. If the other shoe’s about to drop, Reyes has picked a cruel way to lead into it.

“Uh… thank you?” Buck says, and he can’t help the confusion that scrunches up his face.

“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.” She says, cracking a light smile. Buck swears she’s enjoying his discomfort. “I’m here to make you an offer.”

Scratch that, **now** Buck is very confused. He is perplexed, bewildered, flummoxed. He is confusion personified, all from a few simple words. What kind of offer? Why is she offering? Why _him_? And why did she have to make it so ominous?

Reyes just watches him go through different levels of confusion, idly playing with the file’s corner. She raises an eyebrow, and Buck can hear the _well?_ as if she said it directly into his mind.

“What uh, what kind of offer?” Buck asks. He knows she’s sizing him up – being deliberately vague so Buck has to ask the questions. She’s leading him. Into what, he can only guess.

She leisurely flips through her file before she responds, “There’s an opening on a team I’m… overseeing. Your record speaks for itself, and you have the right qualifications.”

“No offense, but are you serious? I did good in training, but I don’t have any real field experience,” Buck points out, and for a second he wonders if he’s getting punk’d. His qualifications consist of a variety of odd jobs and a college degree in _anthropology_ , of all things.

“I’m not looking for experience,” Reyes says, waving a hand dismissively. “The qualifications I’m looking for are more… personal.”

Buck stares at her, exasperated at this back and forth. Reyes might be getting a kick out of dangling this offer just out of his reach, but Buck is getting irritated.

Reyes seems to take pity on him, raising her hands in a placating gesture. “Alright, alright. I’m offering you a spot on a black ops team. It’s deep cover.” Reyes’ voice becomes serious and her eyes harden as she continues, “That means once you join, we wipe your records. From the day you applied to SEALs to the day you decide to leave, you won’t exist.”

Buck’s ears must not be working, because he just heard Reyes offer him a deep cover spot on a black ops team. Him, Evan Buckley, a 22 year-old man who still has issues with following orders, a trait even SEALs training couldn’t completely tame.

“Again, _what_?” Somehow, getting a proper answer has only left Buck with more questions.

Reyes leans forward, resting her arms on the table, hands intertwined. “Look, you’ve got the skills, and you fit the profile. You don’t have any family or friends that would keep you from staying undercover.”

Buck is offended at that – he has friends, and he’s got Maddie! But as he tries to name any close friends that would miss him, he comes up with… no one. He’s got friends, but none of them are really _friends_.

And Maddie… he hasn’t seen Maddie in years, and the time between phone calls has been getting longer and longer. Even when he does get her on the phone, he gets at most ten minutes with her before she’s called away. Usually by Doug.

His parents are a non-starter; he didn’t bother telling them he was trying out for SEALs, and he hasn’t even heard from them since he graduated from college. He didn’t tell Maddie about SEALs either, but he’s convinced himself it’s because he doesn’t want her to worry. Not because he was afraid of letting her down if he didn’t make it through.

So really thinking about it, Buck realizes he has no one. No one to call, no one to care, no one to notice if he went missing. He’s alone, with no one and no home.

Buck knows he has a tendency to dive headfirst into things without thinking past the first step. But this? It speaks to Buck’s soul, to that emptiness inside of him that he tries so desperately to ignore. Past the first step is another op, another mission, another chance to prove his worth. A chance to be _useful_. Buck gets a chance to restart his life, become a new person.

And Reyes is not only offering him that chance, but also a place to belong, a team, a _home_. He’d be a fool not to take it. Right?

Buck looks at Reyes once more, who’s fixing him with a steely gaze, and he makes his decision.

“Okay. I’m in.”

* * *

**December, 2014**  
**Location: Classified**  


Buck hates Christmas.

He has nothing against the holiday itself – if people want to subject themselves to the holiday spirit of material possessions and over-indulging, that’s their prerogative. But ever since Buck turned 18, Christmas was just a reminder of a past he left behind. After all, to celebrate Christmas, you need people to celebrate with.

Buck didn’t hate Christmas to begin with – how could he? It was a time of magic and wonder for a young child, with the promise of presents and treats. Maddie always went above and beyond for Christmas, over-decorating the house and dragging Buck in to help her. He would put up a fight, but secretly loved spending that time with Maddie. Their parents, though they did celebrate the holiday, distinctly lacked any form of real holiday cheer – but then again, that was their whole disposition all year ‘round. So when it came time for Christmas, the season of _family_ , Maddie made extra sure Buck knew he was loved.

Christmas isn’t like that anymore, not since Maddie married Doug. That was Buck’s worst Christmas, and the last one he ever cared about.

Maddie and Doug had just gotten married and couldn’t stay for Christmas; their parents weren’t overly concerned with Maddie missing the holiday. There were still relatives coming in from all across the state and country – one missing Buckley wasn’t the end of the world.

That is, for everyone except Buck. He wasn’t close to his cousins; they were all older than him, with their own children to watch over. His parents were too busy hosting to spare him a glance. Buck was alone, surrounded by family. He tried to make the most of it, but by day’s end, he was just glad it was over.

When Buck turned 18, he left for college and never looked back. And no one chased after him. He hasn’t celebrated Christmas since.

So Buck is decidedly not a fan of Christmas. And yet here he is, being dragged by his team member, Cole, who is apparently personally offended at Buck’s dislike for the holiday season.

“Look, I get,” Cole is saying animatedly. They talk with their hands just as much as their face; the hand not holding onto Buck’s forearm is waving around in seemingly random directions, narrowly missing Buck’s face numerous times. “Some people just didn’t have great Christmases growing up. But I’m telling you, Saint will make you _believe_ in Christmas magic!”

Saint, their other team member, has just gotten back from a five-month op. Buck can count on one hand what he knows about Saint: He’s called Saint. Saint is not his real name. He’s in charge of tech. That’s it.

Cole is the only one of the team Buck has actually met, in fact. Well, besides Admiral Reyes, but according to Cole, she’s more of a liaison between them and her bosses, rather than their commanding officer. They get to make the final call on ops; Reyes just provides them with the information.

Cole has made it a point to let the other team members introduce themselves – if the others have to meet Buck without knowing anything about him, then Buck owes them the same courtesy.

Buck has been here for a month, and it’s only been him and Cole – the rest of their team were on separate ops when Buck joined. Since it’s just been the two of them, they’ve been running drills together and Cole has been briefing Buck on protocol and contingencies. Reyes occasionally comes by for a check in, but never stays long. Members from other teams sometimes stop by when they’re training to chat with Cole, and Buck’s noticed a few not-so-subtle looks directed at Cole. After the fourth lingering look, he tried to think of a way to bring it up, only for Cole to see his flustered face and laugh. They told him then that rules against fraternization don’t apply to their teams; they’re outside of military jurisdiction. The only so-called “rule” is don’t let it get in the way of operations. Which, according to Cole, hasn’t been a problem so far; those who are recruited have specific skills, including compartmentalization. 

Buck and Cole get along surprisingly well; for all of Cole’s initial excitement at having a new team member, they are surprisingly adept at making Buck feel like he’s been here for years, which is making Buck’s transition into his new life slightly less daunting. Still, uprooting your whole life and basically ghosting everyone from your past life takes some getting used to.

Cole leads him into the kitchen, and there sits perhaps the most beautiful man Buck has ever seen. His eyes are a piercing steel-blue, a bright contrast against his curly, onyx black hair. The beginnings of a tattoo peek out from his sleeve, decorating his fair skin.

Saint watches the both of them as they walk in, a cup of what seems to be coffee in his hands. His eyes soften with fondness as Cole continues to gush about the merits of Christmas, their eyebrows just as animated as their hands.

“Saint!” They exclaim with a small skip of glee. Cole rushes towards Saint, who stands and envelops them in a warm hug. Saint is surprisingly tall; Buck estimates Saint is probably an inch or two shorter than him, which makes him seem massive compared to Cole’s 5’2”. Cole claims they’re 5’4”, but Buck is fairly certain that extra 2 inches is just from her thick, curly, ash brown hair.

“You need to work your magic on Buck,” Cole insists, dragging Saint out from behind the kitchen table. “He’s been lacking in the holiday spirit.” Saint rolls his eyes, but he lets himself be pulled by Cole.

Buck holds out his hand, and Saint grasps it in a firm shake. “Evan Buckley, but you can call me Buck.”

“Nikolas Castelo, but everyone insists on calling me Saint,” He replies, with a pointed look at Cole, who has an innocent smile plastered on their face.

A thoughtful look crosses Buck’s face as he puts two and two together.

“So… Saint Nick?” He guesses, which earns him a beaming smile from Cole while Saint just shakes his head.

Cole whispers loudly, “He’s _magic_. Just one look at a person, and he just _knows_ exactly what they need. Sometimes, they don’t even know!”

Saint actually blushes at that, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. “I’m good at reading people, is all.”

“Well, Cole swears you’ll put me in the holiday mood, so give it your best shot,” Buck says, and before he can stop himself, gives Saint a playful wink. Immediately, he groans internally, berating himself for his lack of self-control.

Saint winks back. And Buck is speechless.

“Yeah, yeah, you guys can flirt later, right now Buck needs a Christmas miracle!” Cole demands, shaking Buck out of his definitely _not_ safe for work thoughts. And from the look on Saint’s face, he’s not the only one.

Buck can’t help the blush that spreads across his face – it’s been a while since he’s felt comfortable to flirt with anyone; in college, he earned a reputation as someone who slept around, but those one-night stands always left him feeling more alone. He stopped having them in his junior year.

And in SEAL training, no one had time to think about anything other than making it through to the next day. Any time they had to be alone with their thoughts was mainly used for sleeping.

“Is it alright if I ask you some questions?” Saint asks. “Contrary to what Cole believes, I need more than just a look to figure a person out.”

“Knock yourself out,” Buck replies, and Saint motions them over to the kitchen table to sit. Cole chooses this moment to leave them alone, heading off to probably do paperwork they should’ve finished hours ago.

“It’s just word association,” Saint explains. “Just say the first thing that comes to your mind; it can be a single word or a phrase. I like to start off with some baseline words, and then go more specific. And if you’re not comfortable answering, just say pass.” Buck nods in response, and a contemplative expression settles on Saint’s face.

“Sky.”

“Blue.”

“Candle.”

“Fire.”

“Cake.”

“Chocolate.”

“Flower.”

“Allergies.” Saint cracks a smile at that answer, and Buck feels a phantom tickle in his nose.

“Snow.”

“Angels.”

“Mistletoe.”

“Kiss.” And the blush is back on Buck’s face. Saint gives him a cheeky grin, like he knows exactly what’s running through Buck’s head right now.

“Present.”

Buck takes a slight pause; it’s been a while since he’s ever thought about presents in a Christmas context. The last present he’d gotten was from a college girlfriend – it was a minimalist watch, without any actual number marks, and it quickly became a very expensive paperweight. They broke up 2 months later.

The words come to him slowly, waking up from its hibernation deep in Buck’s mind.

“Obligation over sincerity.”

Saint hums slightly at that; Buck can’t tell if it’s judgment or agreement, but he’s unbothered either way. Lots of people gave obligatory presents at Christmas – his parents were very skilled at finding presents that were just expensive enough to seem thoughtful without actually putting any thought into the gift.

So far, Buck is intrigued at Saint’s process. He doesn’t see how his answers up to this point would give Saint any idea as to what he needs – Buck doesn’t even know what he needs. Whatever it is, he’s sure Christmas plays no part.

Saint taps his fingers thoughtfully on the table and says, “Home.”

Buck’s mind goes blank. He hasn’t had a place he calls home in years, and by now the word has all but left his vocabulary. Home left when Maddie left. And he couldn’t bring himself to find another.

“Pass.” It comes out as a whisper, barely audible to Buck over the rushing sound of blood resounding in his ears.

Saint watches Buck carefully, as if trying to get a peek into Buck’s state of mind. Seeming to find what he’s looking for, Saint gives a faint nod and continues.

“Christmas.”

And a lump forces its way into Buck’s throat. Buck flashes back to his last Christmas, to Maddie’s back as she leaves. That feeling of loneliness – _abandonment_ – at being left behind. He wants to say pass, but something about Saint, the look in his eyes, makes Buck want to answer.

“Goodbye.”

Buck’s voice cracks at the end, and his eyes burn, but no tears that fall. Saint gives him a gentle smile and leans forward, reaching his hand towards Buck.

Ever so softly, Saint says, “Did Cole tell you why they love Christmas so much?” Buck shakes his head mutely; he had assumed it was normal to love Christmas, that he was the odd one out for hating the holiday.

Saint tells Buck that Cole never had a real Christmas growing up; they lived on the streets for most of their life. So Christmastime was never a holiday; for them, it was the season of big scores. With naïve tourists aplenty, there were a lot of pockets ripe for picking, and a lot of stores too busy with shoppers to notice one or two things slipping off the shelves.

Saint is staring down at his mug now, rubbing his thumb against the handle. His other hand is still outstretched towards Buck, close enough for Buck to hold if he chooses. Though Buck has only just met the man, he can tell how much Saint cares for Cole.

“Not to be rude, but is it okay for you to tell me this?” Buck asks. Saint and Cole seem close, but Buck doesn’t want to overstep; he’s still the new guy, after all.

Saint gives him a gentle smile and says, “They wouldn’t have brought you to me if they didn’t want me to.”

Buck has only known Cole for barely a month, but has already learned behind Cole’s cheery exterior is a sharp mind that is always two, three steps ahead. They demonstrated that clearly when sparring with Buck.

Buck nods at Saint’s answer, and Saint continues.

“Somehow, Cole managed on their own for quite some time, but eventually they picked the wrong pocket.”

A wry smile creeps onto Saint’s face and his eyes grow distant, as if he’s seeing flashes of a memory play out.

“Reyes damn near scared the life out of Cole when she grabbed them and just stared them down. I swear, Reyes’ glare could take down even the toughest of SEALs.”

“Oh shit,” slips out of Buck’s mouth; Reyes already terrified Buck when she was offering him a job – he can’t even imagine how terrifying that encounter must have been for Cole. “What did Reyes do?”

“She let Cole go,” Saint says with a shake of his head. “And a week later, Reyes was back on Cole’s turf and they did it again. And got away with it.” Buck’s face must be showing an incredible expression, because Saint laughs heartily at him.

“Oh man, Reyes was _pissed_ and impressed. Not only did Cole have the balls to try and steal from her _twice_ , but they also learned from the first time.”

“How did Cole manage to survive _that_?”

“I told you, Reyes was impressed. The next day, Reyes found Cole and hauled them off to training. Cole was still a minor then, but without parents – or any relatives, really – it wasn’t hard for Reyes to get them into a junior program. And when Cole turned 18, Reyes made an offer.” Saint smiles, but his eyes reflect sadness. Buck wants to ask, but it doesn’t feel like his place.

“I’m glad Cole’s life turned around, but what does that have to do with Christmas?”

“Cole didn’t have a real Christmas until they joined the team,” Saint explains. “Training camp tries, but it’s never really the same, you know?”

Buck did know – Christmas during SEAL training was like their only cheat day in that whole year.

“We decorated the base as usual, and when Cole saw everything – from the garlands strewn about, the tree, the presents, to the massive feast we cooked – it was like this part of them opened up and they finally knew what it was like to be a kid on Christmas morning.”

The sadness in Saint’s eyes has made its way to his smile, and now Buck understands. Saint’s sadness is the bittersweet kind – sorrow for Cole’s past, and joy for Cole’s future. It’s the kind of sadness where nothing can be fixed – nothing needs to be fixed – but the memory of pain is still there, even after happiness has overwritten it.

Where moving on from the pain doesn’t mean forgetting the pain ever happened; it just means the pain is no longer leading the way.

“That was the day Cole called us family for the first time.” Saint’s eyes are misty, and his voice thickens with emotion. “So every Christmas, Cole makes it a priority to cram in as much holiday spirit as they possibly can. Especially when we get a new team member.”

Buck finally takes Saint’s outstretched hand and those steel-blue eyes hold him in their gaze. 

“Christmas here, with _us_ , means you’re one of us. You’re family. No matter what.”

Buck can’t seem to find words, so he just squeezes Saint’s hand. He has only just met the man and already feels more connected with him than he ever did with his actual family – besides Maddie, but the gap between him and his sister has grown so vast, Buck can see Cole and Saint overtaking her soon.

Buck blinks away tears that he didn’t realize had begun to form and releases Saint’s hand, who stands and flashes him a blinding smile, his eyes no longer reflecting sadness. Instead, that playfulness from before is back, and Buck can feel the beginnings of a blush slowly creep up his neck.

“Come on, I’ll show you some new tech I’m working on,” Saint says with a wink, and leads Buck away.

Later, Buck is in his room drifting off to sleep and dimly realizes he never heard Saint’s conclusion to their word association. But sleep tugs at his consciousness, and he figures he can just ask Saint in the morning.

A few doors down, Saint is in his room illuminated by the light from his computer. His face is hard and his eyebrows furrow in concentration as a window pops up, the text cursor steadily blinking at him.

He types and leans back in his chair, awaiting a response.

_Status report: Isaac B._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have more ideas for Buck's backstory which means splitting it between chapters considering how long this one became 
> 
> Fun fact, the first African American female Navy Admiral was Michelle Howard
> 
> character appearance inspiration:  
> Reyes = Janelle Monáe  
> Cole = Jurnee Smollett-Bell  
> Saint = Matt Bomer
> 
> I was debating if this would be Buddie and then I made edits and yup


End file.
